Recently, I saw a post on Weibo which caught my attention:
A couple had just broken up because of their personality differences, and obviously they'd had sex while they were still together. But after they broke up, the girl felt guilt and remorse for having sex with her now-ex boyfriend, so she asked him for financial compensation, to which he felt baffled.
Why would he need to give her money when their relationship - and sex - was consensual?
From a traditional Chinese perspective, if a couple has sex but doesn’t get married, then a woman will feel that she’s been wronged whereas a man will feel that there was nothing wrong.
In ancient times, when a man and a woman had sex, the man would say, "I will be responsible for and will take care of you.” Whenever a man would love his virginity to a woman, he treasured that moment and would remain with that woman for as long as he lived.
But men in modern society will often say that “a man and a woman are equal, and we’re all adults…
There’s no need to argue about this.”
Many Chinese men today still have this idea that a woman they get together with should be a virgin, and the non-virgin girls are still in a passive situation.
So, in your opinion, is having sex before marriage good or bad?
We asked four young people from China to express their thoughts on the matter.
Mr. Li, 28 years old, male, manager
"I think following your heart is the most important thing.
When I was dating my girlfriend for only half a month, we went on a trip together and booked a hotel, and then it just happened.
I’m not a virgin, but I’m also not a casual person. I like her, she likes me, and we both wanted to have sex, so… why not?
If you find the right person, don't overthink too much. Just do what you think is right. We’re planning our wedding now. "
Miss Zhang, 31 years old, female, sales director
"If you're just dating this guy, you're not thinking about marrying. Then I suggest you must be reserved. Kissing and hugging are ok. But when you have sex, you have to figure out whether it's worth it or not.
Nowadays, many girls are not like this, they have sex casually and don't take any security measures.
The result is an unplanned pregnancy, they injure themselves, and maybe will be rejected by their future husbands. Who is responsible for you if you are not responsible for yourself?
Women have to be careful. Most men around me have a "virgin concept", not all men are open-minded in this thing. In today’s society in China, many men still bear traditional thoughts. They may not be virgins, but women are required to be virgins.
So you must think clearly before you have sex. Women are more or less at a disadvantage here."
Mrs. Li, 26 years old, female, accountant
"Well... it’s a little embarrassing. My husband and I had sex the first time we met. There wasn’t any particular reason why other than we both wanted it. I just fell in love with him at first sight. The most unexpected thing is that I’ve been pregnant since our first night together. Unbelievable.
But I feel so lucky because we got married after that I gave birth to our child a few months later. He is the best man in my eyes and he treats me so well. I think we were destined to be together!
Actually, I don't care about this whole virgin thing. The first time I had sex with my husband, I knew I was the lucky girl. I was happy to have slept with him.
In my opinion, women feel that they are in disadvantage because they put themselves in a weaker position in the first place. Why should having sex the first night be a good thing for men but a bad one for women?
I think it is better to have sex before you get married. If you love each other, why not have sex? It’s normal"
Miss Liang, 27 years old, female, designer
You definitely need to have sex before marriage. Otherwise, if you get married and find out that your husband is not a good lover, you’re done. There's no guarantee that your marriage will be a happy one after that.
I have a female friend who’s very reserved. She said she wanted to wait and “save herself” until she gets married, which she did. But once she and her now-husband finally tied the knot, she found out that he was impotent. He couldn’t get it up.
They got divorced a year later.
So I think you should have sex with your boyfriend before you get married. As long as you use birth control pills to make sure you don’t balloon up on your first date, a regular sex life can bring a lot of benefits for both parties."
People in China have different opinions when it comes to sex before marriage. But at the end of the day, it’s your choice and yours only.
Having casual sex isn’t for everyone, nor does it have to be.
But if you’re truly in love with each other, then this will happen naturally.
Choose who you love, and love who you choose.
What’s your opinion?
Different countries have different cultures and mindsets.